O zi in care nu ai ras, este o zi pieduta - Charlie Chaplin

[pilgrim]

Ma gandeam ca ar fi binevenit un subiect care sa ne descreteasca fruntile si sa ne aduca zambetul pe buze. Glume, bancuri, chestii comice, intamplari haioase, povesti cu talc, etc.

[pilgrim]

Una actuala, electorala:

Ţestoasa de pe stâlp

Un tânăr se plimba pe jos printr-un sat şi la un moment dat decide să ia o pauză. Se aşează pe o bancă, unde se afla un om mai în vârstă şi încep, firesc, să vorbească despre ţară, guvern, despre legiuitori şi cei asemenea lor.

Batranul îi spune tanarului:

- Eu îi compar pe parlamentari şi pe alţii asemenea cu o broasca ţestoasă aşezată pe un stâlp.

Intrigat, tânărul ii spuse:

- Eu nu înţeleg aceasta analogie ... Ce vreţi să spuneţi, domnule?

Batranul a explicat:

- Dacă te plimbi prin ţară şi vezi cumva o broască ţestoasă stând in echilibru pe capătul de sus al unui stalp de gard, ce poţi să te-ntrebi?

Văzând nedumerirea de pe faţa tânărului, continuă cu explicaţia:

- În primul rând: Nu intelegi cum A AJUNS acolo;

- În al doilea rând: Nu poţi să crezi că STĂ acolo;

- In al treilea rând: Ştii sigur că nu ar fi putut SĂ AJUNGĂ ACOLO SINGURĂ;

- In al patrulea rând : E clar că N-ARE CE CĂUTA ACOLO;

- In al cincilea rand : Eşti convins de faptul că aceasta NU VA FACE NIMIC FOLOSITOR cât timp stă acolo;

Concluzia: singurul lucru raţional ar fi s-o ajuţi să coboare, iar ca să o ajuţi să coboare trebuie să fii ACOLO, la VOT.

VIITOARELE ALEGERI SA LE FACEM BINE. SA NE-NGRIJIM CA NICI UN ANIMAL SĂ NU AJUNGĂ PE STÂLP !

[bibi]

Yes (official)

Yes, we were the original Spinal Tap, says Rick Wakeman of Seventies prog-rock supergroup

We were playing a gig at the Manchester Free Trade Hall when I realised quite how different my lifestyle was from that of the other members of Yes.

Tales From Topographic Oceans, our grandiose 1973 album, was regarded by fans and critics alike as our most 'challenging' and I was really struggling with the tour.

Not because it was hard work - quite the opposite, in fact. As the keyboard player, there were quite a few passages where I had nothing to do or was just holding down one key.

There was a mad percussion section where everybody banged things. It lasted about ten minutes, though it felt like a year and a half when playing it - and probably when listening to it. It was a bit dull.

In those days, I used to have my roadie actually lying underneath the Hammond organ throughout the set. If anything went wrong he could try to fix it. Also, he could continually hand me my alcoholic drinks.

We'd often have a little chat and on this particular evening in Manchester, I thought he said: 'What are you doing after the show?'

'I'm going to have a curry,' I replied. 'What would you order?' It seemed a strangely specific question but I didn't have much else to do so I told him. 'Chicken vindaloo, pilau rice, half a dozen poppadums, bhindi bhaji, Bombay aloo and a stuffed paratha.'

About 30 minutes later, I started to get this distinct waft of curry. I looked down and my roadie was lying there holding up an Indian takeaway. 'What's that?' I asked.

'You said you wanted a curry.' 'No. I said I wanted a curry after the show...' However, it smelled really good so he passed up the little foil trays and I laid this lovely spread out on top of the keyboard and ate it.

The rest of the band weren't best pleased - after all, there was a certain mystique surrounding Yes.

The singer, guitarist, bassist and drummer were all thoughtful people - interested in philosophy and alternative lifestyles and this was an image at odds with the fact that the keyboard player was a beer-swilling, darts-playing, meat-eating oaf, one who would happily eat a curry in the middle of a show.

I had joined Yes in 1971. I was a classically trained musician who had worked with numerous artists as a session musician. I played on David Bowie's Life On Mars, Cat Stevens's Morning Has Broken and even on some Des O'Connor records, though I kept that quiet.

Yes was already well established as 'progressive rock' band and had a reputation for lengthy numbers, complex music and cerebral lyrics.

It wasn't the sort of outfit that attracted groupies: our fans were more likely to throw synthesizer manuals on stage than knickers.

The other four members of the band - guitarist Steve Howe, singer Jon Anderson, bassist Chris Squire and drummer Alan White - were all technically gifted musicians and, without being immodest, we were a huge band with massive record sales. Our live shows were sellouts and very ambitious.

Indeed, sometimes I needed directions just to get to my keyboards.

'Take a left here, Rick, climb over that giant mushroom, past the spaceship and just behind, beyond that cloud, are your keyboards.'

There are people who think the film This Is Spinal Tap is simply a very funny 'mockumentary'. Well, with Yes we lived it.

Take the hilarious scene in the film in which the bass player is trapped in a giant pod - that actually happened to Alan one night.

It also occurred during the Tales From Topographic Oceans album tour. That was not my favourite Yes album and I said so at the time. Maturely, I renamed it Tales From Toby's Graphic Go-Kart.

The grandiose elements of Yes were spiralling out of all control and the stage set was unbelievable. It had been designed by Roger Dean, who had done the album cover, and reflected the record's artwork.

The drum kit was inside a giant seashell, which would open after the show started, revealing Alan doing his stuff. However, one night when the curtain went up the gearing jammed and he was trapped inside.

The problem was, it was a sealed unit, so Alan quickly began running out of air.

As this was live on stage in front of thousands of people, Alan, the consummate professional, continued playing. Meanwhile the roadies began trying to smash the pod open, staying out of the line of sight of the crowd so no one noticed.

Before long, they had to start pumping oxygen in until eventually, somehow, they prised the wretched thing open with pickaxes.

By now the audience must have noticed the rescue effort because as the pod sprang open a huge cheer went up, and Alan stumbled out gasping for breath.

Of course, back in the Seventies, audiences assumed that whatever happened on the stage was intentional.

In my previous band, the Strawbs, I'd had a Hammond organ on wheels. When we were playing the last number of the night I would push this thing across the stage and race after it while playing it.

One evening I pushed a bit too hard and the Hammond went hurtling towards the edge of the stage. I dived on top of it to try to slow it down but organ and organist crashed over the edge. The Hammond was smashed to smithereens and I was cut to ribbons.

I was mopping the blood from my face when a journalist came over. 'Great show, Rick,' he said, 'but how can you afford to wreck a Hammond every night?'

There was another occasion, playing with Yes in Toronto, when one of my synthesizers, a Minimoog, broke down.

By chance, Dr Robert Moog, the brilliant electronic music pioneer and inventor of the Minimoog, was at the gig. During the interval, when the curtain was down, Bob said: 'I think I know what the problem is - do you want me to go out and take a look?'

'That would be great, if you don't mind,' I said. 'You know we're back on in about ten minutes, right?'

'That's fine,' he said. When we got the call to go back on stage, I navigated my way over to the keyboards and Bob was still there, surrounded by the innards of a Minimoog. He had dismantled it.

'Bob, Bob, we're about to start,' I hissed, but he was completely distracted. 'Yes, I think I know what the problem is,' he said prodding a circuit board.

The curtain went up and Yes had suddenly acquired a sixth member who was messing about with a complicated piece of electronic wizardry in the middle of the stage, completely oblivious to the audience of 20,000 punters, all of whom appeared to accept this as perfectly normal.

At the end of the show, at which time Bob was still happily tinkering with the synth, I introduced him to the audience who gave him a standing ovation. Bob looked up and said: 'Oh, are you ready to start now?'

When Yes started to perform 'in the round' - where a circular stage is planted in the middle of the venue with the audience all around the band - getting to our instruments was suddenly a major headache.

I think it was Jon who came up with a solution. 'We need a tunnel, then we can all get to the stage in one piece and quickly,' he said.

'We can't dig a tunnel under the floor of every venue, Jon,' I said.

'No, Rick, an overground tunnel. It will look fantastic.'

We had this immense tunnel built out of what appeared to be very strong rice paper. It looked like the world's biggest Chinese lantern. Using the finest engineering science known to man, we based it on the Slinky, those toys that flip down stairs.

The tunnel folded in on itself for shipping and opened up for the show. We ran lights through the inside and it looked absolutely brilliant. As the music started to play, the band members would march through the tunnel and our silhouettes would alert the audience to our presence, raising the tension even more.

The crew, meanwhile, hated it. The paper would rip, the wooden frames would split, it never folded properly, it took too long to work and it was almost impossible to cart around. They made their feelings known - and we completely ignored them.

The very next show they took their revenge. The music duly started and we all strode excitedly along inside the illuminated tunnel, only half noticing that the sound of the audience was getting further and further away.

Finally we came to a halt by a large green EXIT sign. Unbeknown to us, the crew had redirected the tunnel away from the stage.

Touring with Yes was generally great fun and I got on well with the rest of the guys but we were like chalk and cheese in many respects.

I was unique in the band as a card-carrying Conservative. They were all teetotal, while I could drink for England. And they were all vegetarians - I was an unashamed carnivore.

I have no objection to vegetarians (though I don't understand why, if you don't eat meat, you make tofu look like sausages or burgers) but some of the band were extreme with their vegetarianism.

For a couple of them, having a meal consisting entirely of vegetables was not enough - they had to know the farming methods used in their production, the name of the guy who planted them and, ideally, the species and health of the birds whose droppings had enriched the organic soil.

Well, that might be possible these days in a wholefood specialist shop, but in a Holiday Inn coffee shop in the American Deep South in the early Seventies? Some of the band were going without food for days and it was becoming impossible. So we decided to take a chef on the road.

I pointed out that I did not want to spend every night of the tour munching on a single lettuce leaf washed on the banks of the Nile by spiritually enlightened shamans. The band agreed that the chef could cook separate meat-crammed meals for me.

On the first Saturday, he said: 'Rick, do you fancy a nice roast tomorrow?' 'Bloody hell, do I fancy a roast? Absolutely,' I replied.

We played the Sunday show and, back at the hotel, all sat down to eat. The chef brought out the rest of the band's food first: some chives, a carrot or two and some celery sticks. They all tucked in, saying, rather unconvincingly, that the meal was delicious.

Then the chef returned with an enormous silver platter on which sat a magnificent golden-brown 22lb turkey, sausages wrapped in bacon, potatoes and parsnips.

The veggies around the table stopped eating, their forks suspended in mid-air. The chef put the roast in front of me and started serving it up - the aroma was incredible.

Then someone said: 'Er, could I try some roasted potatoes or parsnips, please?'

'Sorry, chaps, cooked in goose fat,' replied the chef.

I piled my plate high and got stuck in. With the exception of guitarist Steve, who was the most committed of the veggies, everyone watched my every mouthful. After they had finished their meals, a mass exodus ensued, clearly to avoid being around this delightful roast for too long.

A few minutes later, the door opened. It was Alan, our drummer. 'All right, Rick. I was thinking, I know I'm veggie and all that but to be honest I do eat the occasional piece of white meat. Any chance I could try some of the turkey?'

'Of course, help yourself,' I said. 'Thanks, but I'll take it back to my room, if that's OK.' He hastily put some of the turkey and trimmings on a plate and scurried off.

Five minutes later, Jon walked in. 'Rick. I was thinking, I do have the odd bit of chicken now and then, so I was wondering...'

He was followed by Chris. 'Be my guest,' I pre-empted.

I turned to the chef who was grinning widely. 'Probably best if you don't mention this, my friend...'

It was after the now infamous vindaloo incident at Manchester Free Trade Hall that I started to wonder about my future with the band. When the most enjoyable part of a live performance is the curry that you eat in the middle of it, you know that it's time to start thinking about moving on.

Due to circumstances and the musical direction in which we were heading, there was increasingly less and less I could put in and it was becoming very unrewarding.

After we'd finished the Tales From Topographic Oceans tour, we were due to start rehearsing new material on May 18, 1975 - I know the date because it was my birthday.

I'd gone down to my farmhouse in Devon to clear my head. It was a very weird day. First, I got a phone call from the Yes management asking why I wasn't at rehearsals.

'I told you, that's it, I'm off,' I said. 'I don't want to do this free-form jazz, I can't contribute anything to it, it's not me and I don't think it's Yes.'

They tried to talk me into rehearsing but my mind was made up. Five minutes later the phone rang and it was Terry O'Neil from A&M Records in London.

I had recorded Journey To The Centre Of The Earth as a solo project with the label. Terry sounded ecstatic.

'Rick, Journey has just gone to No1 in the album charts!' he cried.

It was time to move on for good.

© 2008 Rick Wakeman and Martin Roach.

Adapted from Grumpy Old Rock Star, by Rick Wakeman.

Amazon USA: http://amzn.to/18zAmtJ

Amazon UK: http://amzn.to/19egdDY

Amazon Canada: http://amzn.to/1ciBd0z

[bibi]

Aveși grijă pe unde mergeți la pădure. Să nu dați peste ăsta :

 

A venit vara si de ceva ani incoace iesim cam in fiecare weekend la padure organizat (suntem o gasca de cca.18+ insi) cu corturile si stam peste noapte,facem foc de tabara,protap etc...

Toata treaba este buna pana la muzica (am un amplificator stereo de camera Yamaha As500 80w/ch si o pereche de boxe MMS1000) care nu presteaza bine deloc in aer liber in sensul ca nu face presiune acustica (nu se aude tare) mai de loc si tre sa stai langa boxe ca sa simti ceva muzica.Chestia este ca dupa ce bei un sprit si vrei sa incingi un joc canci volum.(Nu mi-o luati in nume de rau in camera de marime medie face galagie binisor si in special se aude destul de calitativ)

Acum in ultimul timp m-am enervat atat de tare si am adus lautari la padure in mai multe randuri si a fost super.Chestia este ca s-au dus foarte multi bani pe curul lor (si aici nu vorbesc in special de suma pe care i-am impacat sa cante ci mai mult de banii care se duc pe dedicatii si care reprezinta mult mai mult). Am tras linie si am ajuns la concluzia ca de banii aia imi incropeam ceva sistem PA pana acum.

Am facut sedinta cu toti membrii implicati in chestia asta si am hotarat sa facem cheta si sa cumparam un sistem PA decent;urmand ca eu sa pun cota cea mai mare adica 50% si bineinteles sa ma folosesc de sistem dupa bunul plac inafara de iesirile organizate impreuna.

Pentru boxe m-am gandit initilal sa le construesc singur din componente de calitate dar totusi nemaifacand acest lucru pana acum decat odata(iar atunci au fost incinte de camera de putere mica) si stiind cat de pretentios este procedeul nu m-as

risca.

Momentan m-am orientat la setul asta de incinte: http://discopro.ro/S...coustics_VXLIVE care mi se par destul de OK atat ca SPL cat si ca Raport calitate/pret.Le vad bine construite si au difuzoare bune dar nu stiu daca Subwooferele sunt de tip Planar sau nu.Nu este batut in cue daca aveti recomandari mai bune in jurul banilor aia schimbam cu altceva.

Mixer pasiv micut cu FX avem,este vb de Behringer x1204 si microfon pt karaoke avem un Wirelees de la Shure.Sursa va fi Laptop.

Problema mea este la amplificatoare si as vrea sa-mi recomandati 2 amplificatoare decente pret/calitate capabile sa scoata untul din boxele alea si sa nu-mi bage distorsiuni la volum mare(se mi se arda inaltele,poate chiar si joasele ori sa intre in protectie sau ceva de genul).Mentionez ca dupa un pahar se va da foarte tare;adica cat poate duce maxim sistemul fara sa iasa din parametri.Deci vor fi abuzate bine.

As prefera pe cat posibil 2 Amplifuri (unul pentru topuri si unul pentru joase) cu rezerva mare de putere(cam dublu de cat sunt boxele) ca sa nu le forjez la maxim si sa bag distorsiuni in difuzore si sa-mi conduca bine difuzoarele(vreu Bas scurt si articulat; nu vreu hodorogeala lunga si lipsita de putere)

Bugetul pentru puteri e cam la fel cu cel de difuzoare adica ar fi bine sa ne incadram in 25.000 cu totul.

 

[...]

 

Grup Electogen Diesel Trifazat,insonorizat pe remorca 22KVA respectiv 16KW(nasul meu se ocupa cu constructii si are in dotare si asa ceva) si mai detin si eu unul mai micut Kipor de 6kw tot diesel. Cel de 16KW a fost probat cu succes pe o formatie cu scule de aprox 6-7 KW putere de iesire si care cred ca se apropiau de 9-10kwh consum (6 basi FX20, 4FX12 si 2 topuri VL 212) la care mai adaugam 2 proiectoare halogen 1000w bucata,1 lada frigorifica de inghetata, 1frigider 240l 2-3 becuri de 75w plus alte nimicuri care nu merg nonstop

gen PS3,Laptopuri cafetiera,placa de par si alte rahaturi.

Apropo nu-ti inteleg aluzia cu " sa fugim de-acolo, din timp ?!!!" Sa stii ca nu mancam oameni! Daca vei avea odata ocazia sa ne intalnesti iti garantez ca vei dori si alta data pentru ca noi stim sa ne distram si sa ne respectam semenii;nu ne inchidem intr-o camera de auditii ca la priveghi si meditam la nu stiu ce HI-FI pe care nici macar nu-l putem defini.Peste tot pe unde am fost am facut atmosfera si de fiecare data cand am fost intr-un loc de picnic mai public sa zic asa ni s-au alturat marea majoritate din cei prezenti acolo si am petrecut impreuna.

Acuma ca mai sunt unea ciuf*ti care vor sa asculte pasarelele in creierul muntelui si ii i-a dracii cand vad ca vine formatia si descarca echipamentul n-au decat sa-si puna curul in turism si sa mearga 500m mai incolo ca este loc pentru toata lumea.Trebuie doar sa vrei.

[ed1em2]

Le urez niste ursi bruni carpatini stresati si nervosi....

[pilgrim]

Am postat ceva aici, unde a disparut? A cineva sters postarea mea? De ce?

[igor1234]

Am postat ceva aici, unde a disparut? A cineva sters postarea mea? De ce?

 

Era slaba poanta

[bibi]

E bine să fii în alertă tot timpul

 

Am postat ceva aici, unde a disparut? A cineva sters postarea mea? De ce?

 

a fost mutat la cererea colegului fluffy, pe topicul despre stricatul pieții -» http://www.avclub.ro/viewtopic.php?f=9&t=161&start=60#p3574

Nu vă panicați. Nimic nu se pierde, totul se transformă

[Shibata]

Stiu ca e veche dar e mereu de actualitate. Vezi

.

Have a nice day.

[pilgrim]

Scena celebra... S-au facut zeci de parodii

[pilgrim]

Afirmatii care in general sunt adevarate:

1. Niciodata nu ne maturizam cu adevarat. Invatam doar sa ne purtam in public.

2. Daca ma vorbesti pe la spate, inseamna ca nu esti in pozitia in care sa-mi poti da peste nas.

3. A avea un spatiu pentru fumat e ca si cand ai avea un spatiu pentru urinat intr-o piscina.

4. S-a dovedi t stiintific ca femeile sunt multumite cu o lungime de 8,5 cm. Nu conteaza daca e Visa sau Mastercard.

5. Nu conteaza daca paharul e pe jumatate gol sau pe jumatate plin. Ceea ce conteaza e ca este loc pentru vodka.

6. Traim niste vremuri in care pizza se livreaza mai repede decat ajung politistii.

7. Dumnezeu a creat cerul si pamantul. Restul a fost fabricat in China .

8. Daca femeile ar conduce lumea, n-ar mai exista razboaie. Doar niste tari invidioase, care nu-si vorbesc.

9. Vreau sa stiu de ce Noe nu a omorat tantarii pe vremea cand erau doar doi?

10. Cenusareasa e dovada vie ca pantofii iti pot schimba viata.

11. Mai bine Durex decat Pampers.

12. Gandesc, deci exist. Toata lumea care exista gandeste?

13. Se pare ca Dumnezeu iubeste oamenii prosti. De aceea a creat atat de multi.

14. Sa nu te joci cu inima unei femei, caci este doar una. Mai bine joaca-te cu sanii – sunt doi!

15. Viata mea e precum terenurile de la Wimbledon , nu vezi decat iarba si linii.

16. Prietenii exista pentru ca in cazul in care ai o zi proasta, sa ii poti vizita si sa le strici si lor ziua.

17. Ce spune o bucata de paine unei pizza? – Unde esti, placintica garnisita!

18. Soacra e ca un amestec de condimente – se amesteca in orice.

19. Unele femei sustin ca toti barbatii sunt la fel. Nu e cam multa experienta?

[pilgrim]

Tin sa va informez, dragii mei prieteni, care mi-ati trimis mail-uri in care promiteati ca daca le trimit mai departe voi avea buna dispozitie, noroc, bani etc.: NU A MERS !!!!

Asa ca trimiteti direct bani!

...in extremis, accept si sticle cu vin, cutii cu bomboane, trufe, ciocolata, o pulpa de porc, un cofrag cu oua, de-astea....

MERCI

[pilgrim]

Dedicatie pentru d-na Udrea care candideaza la presidentie si vrea o tara frumoasa precum chipul ei suav si mirobolant...

Avem frunza, ce ne pasa?!

N-avem ce pune pe masa.

Doamna Udrea, sclipitoare,

Tenace si rapitoare,

Ne prezinta o promovare

Intr-o tara infloritoare;

Din indepartata China

Toti romanii se inchina,

De unde atat banet

Pentr-o frunza de pe Net?

Nu trebuie sa disperam

Altfel cum mai progresam,

Fara logo fara brand

Cum s-avem un happy end?

Vin chinezii in numar mare

Si la munte si la mare!

Litoralul, de vrei, poti,

Fara alge si pesti morti,

Te primeste cu caldura

Si fara infrastructura;

Iar la munte.. ce sa-ti spun?!

Te-ntalnesti cu ursul brun,

Care sta lihnit de foame

Aproape de tomberoane!

In final ne-am consolat,

Ce-am votat, am capatat …

[pilgrim]

.... limba română....

O doamnă şi-a dat plapuma la reparat şi i-a trimis plăpumarului următoarea scrisoare:

"Stimate domn, vă rog să executaţi lucrarea aşa cum ne-a fost înţelegerea. Eu pun la dispoziţia dv. faţa şi dosul, şi pe deasupra lâna mea, pe care vă rog să o scărmănaţi bine şi să o băgaţi pe toată, că mie îmi place să fie cât mai groasă şi cât se poate de lungă, pentru ca atunci când întind picioarele să nu iasă afară.

Dacă faceţi lucrarea ca lumea, v-o recomand şi pe soacră-mea! Dânsei îi este ruşine să vină, că nu ştie ce să facă cu dosul până spală faţa, care-i mult mai uzată. Vă rog să-i desfaceţi toate încreţiturile, ca să nu se lase la lucru. A ei poate să fie şi mai scurtă, dar să fie groasă, ca baba-i bătrână şi se încălzeşte greu..."

[pilgrim]

Poate sunt profesori pe aici...

Discutie intre doi macelari ramasi singuri in pravalie dupa plecarea unui batranel:

- Mai prietene, suntem colegi de atata timp, furam impreuna si la cantar si la ambalaj si la dat restul, ma rog, asa cum e specific breslei noastre, dar in fiecare saptamana vine batranul asta ponosit si-i dai un pachet de carne, asa pe de-a moaca. De ce?

- Baaai, omul asta mi-a facut atat de mult bine, incat ii sunt indatorat pana la moarte.

- Serios? Cum asa?? Cand???

- Cand aveam 20 de ani si eram student , batranelul asta mi-a fost profesor. Si daca n-avea el grija sa ma pice la examene, cine stie... ajungeam dracu' vreun amarat de profesor să-şi bată joc toţi semianalfabeţii de mine...

[bibi]

..

[pilgrim]

Cred ca cei doi candidati care au ramas in cursa pot fi recunoscuti in clipul de mai jos. Sper sa nu se supere pt aceasta asociere ... animalele.

">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QvsQ9hYKq7c

[bibi]

A useless machine with two servos controlled by an Atmega 328 programmed on an Arduino. Later in video, two useless machines duelling.

 

">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-PqcCjFaf3I

[pilgrim]

Un ziarist intreaba:

- Bade, cu cine votezi?

- Poi, cu comunistii!

- Noa, da de ce?

- Iaca, pe vremuri or venit liberalii si ne-or zis ca ne fac pod. Vezi o urma de pod?!?

- Nu!

- Apoi or venit taranistii si or zis ca ne fac moara. Vezi vreo oara ???

- Nu.

- Ei, cand or venit comunistii, or zis ca ne iau tot. Si ne-or luat. Aia oameni de cuvant!!!

[pilgrim]

500 femei au fost întrebate al cui sărut este mai dulce: al soţului sau al amantului?

- 300 au răspuns "al soţului",

- 200 au răspuns "al amantului"....

- Niciuna n-a răspuns "nu ştiu"!

La piață, o țărancă stătea cu o gâscă în brațe. Un ... șmecher o intreaba:

- Ce faci? O dai, o dai, sau stai degeaba? La care tăranca:

- O dau, da' gâsca cine o ține?

Măria si Ildiko, la examen.

- Mărie, cum se scrie corect, piept sau pept?

- Nu ştiu, Ildi, scrie şi tu ţâţe.

Scrie Ildiko, se uită nedumerită la foaie, se uită la Măria.

- Mărie, zici tu că e corect aşa: în ţâţele mele bate o inimă de român?

Se întâlnesc două prietene:

- Fată, ce te-ai îngrăşat!

- Să mă fi văzut acum 2 luni, eram şi mai grasă!... Arătam aşa, ca tine!

Un tată îi spune fiului său:

- Copile, când era Napoleon de vârsta ta avea doar note bune.

- Tată, când era Napoleon de vârsta ta era împărat.

Când eram mic, m-am rugat pentru o bicicletă. Apoi mi-am dat seama că Dumnezeu nu lucrează aşa, drept care am furat o bicicletă şi m-am rugat pentru iertare.

[pilgrim]

Unul tare... cu blonde, bineinteles:

O blondă s-a dus să-şi ia permisul de conducere. La examen, poliţistul o întreabă:

- Ştiţi cum funcţionează motorul maşinii?

- Pot să explic cu cuvintele mele?

- Da, bineînţeles.

- Bruuuummm, bruuummm, bruuuuaaaaammmm...

[mauru007]

Nostradamus isi dojeneste motanul :

- Cine s-a c...t aici peste jumatate de ora ?

[pilgrim]

De ce boala sufera Victor Ponta?

-Klaus-trofobie

[catalinx70]

Se vede deja ca avem presedinte neamt ........

iarna a venit exact pe 1 decembrie .

[pilgrim]

Afirmatii care in general sunt adevarate:

1. Niciodata nu ne maturizam cu adevarat. Invatam doar sa ne purtam in public.

2. Daca ma vorbesti pe la spate, inseamna ca nu esti in pozitia in care sa-mi poti da peste nas.

3. A avea un spatiu pentru fumat e ca si cand ai avea un spatiu pentru urinat intr-o piscina.

4. S-a dov edi t stiintific ca femeile sunt multumite cu o lungime de 8,5 cm. Nu conteaza daca e Visa sau Mastercard.

5. Nu conteaza daca paharul e pe jumatate gol sau pe jumatate plin. Ceea ce conteaza e ca este loc pentru vodka.

6. Traim niste vremuri in care pizza se livreaza mai repede decat ajung politistii.

7. Dumnezeu a creat cerul si pamantul. Restul a fost fabricat in China .

8. Daca femeile ar conduce lumea, n-ar mai exista razboaie. Doar niste tari invidioase, care nu-si vorbesc.

9. Vreau sa stiu de ce Noe nu a omorat tantarii pe vremea cand erau doar doi?

10. Cenusareasa e dovada vie ca pantofii iti pot schimba viata.

11. Mai bine Durex decat Pampers.

12. Gandesc, deci exist. Toata lumea care exista gandeste?

13. Se pare ca Dumnezeu iubeste oamenii prosti. De aceea a creat atat de multi.

14. Sa nu te joci cu inima unei femei, caci este doar una. Mai bine joaca-te cu sanii – sunt doi!

15. Viata mea e precum terenurile de la Wimbledon , nu vezi decat iarba si linii.

16. Prietenii exista pentru ca in cazul in care ai o zi proasta, sa ii poti vizita si sa le strici si lor ziua.

17. Ce spune o bucata de paine unei pizza? – Unde esti, placintica garnisita!

18. Soacra e ca un amestec de condimente – se amesteca in orice.

19. Unele femei sustin ca toti barbatii sunt la fel. Nu e cam multa experienta?